Emotion coaching as a whole school ethos

Emotion Coaching

It is important to acknowledge, validate and empathise with the emotions children and young people experience. Some children and young people may struggle to verbalise how they feel and adults may need to support them with this. If an individual struggles to understand how they feel or experiences a sense of guilt, discomfort or shame in relation to experiencing particular emotions, the thoughts and behaviours associated with these can become cyclic and ingrained. Through normalising and empathising with the emotions experienced, children and young people can experience a sense of being understood and validated. This can promote the development of trust in relationships which can open the door for deeper communication.

Emotion Coaching approach: Dr John Gottman

1. Become aware of the child or young person’s emotion-To do this, the adult must be aware of and comfortable with their own emotions. This can be scary or intimidating, but is crucial in allowing for all feelings in a non-judgmental way.
2. Recognise the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching- Adults can teach empathy, build intimacy and help them to develop ways of managing their feelings. Challenging emotions are not threats to authority or something to fix, they are times for openness and discussion.
3. Help the child find words to label the emotion he is having- For example, “I wonder if you are feeling frustrated”. This demonstrates understanding and can help the child to describe their feelings. This is labeling only what IS, and not describing what they OUGHT to feel. Be as precise as possible and consider what is beneath expressions of emotion such as anger, for example frustration, jealousy, rage, or confusion. It is important to name and allow for several, often contradictory feelings at once.
4. Listen empathetically, validating the child’s feelings- Listen’ in many different ways; with your ears for information, with your eyes for physical evidence of emotion, with your imagination to see the situation from the child’s perspective, and with your words to reflect back what they are hearing and to help label emotions. Simple observations may work better than probing questions in making a connection. Also, avoid questions to which you already know the answer-don’t set up mistrust or ask them to lie.
5. Set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.

There are five steps involved in setting limits and problem-solving:

1. Set limits-set limits on the behaviours or actions which may lead to negatives outcomes for themselves and others, not the feelings or wishes.
2. Identify goals-work with the child or young person to consider what they would like to accomplish.
3. Think of possible strategies together- consider with the child or young person as many approaches as possible that could lead them closer to their desired goals. Consider what they have been able to do in the past and how they did this. Plan together which approach they might try and how key adult/s can support with this.
4. Evaluate proposed solutions based on values- validate their ideas, and perhaps use these questions: Is the solution fair? Will this solution work? Is it safe? How am I likely to feel? How are other people likely to feel?
5. Help them choose a solution- encourage the child or young person to choose an approach even if you think that it might be unsuccessful in moving towards the desired goal. This approach aims to be a learning process and demonstrates that if things do not seem to work, there will be things that they have learnt from the experience and other methods that they can try.

“Just kind of being curious about, I wonder if? What do you think about?” (parent).

“Emotion coaching techniques.. that’s what I use when I’m feeling it’s a challenging scenario and you’re effectively challenging the school in their approach. I often use those techniques to be honest in terms of how I talk to them” (multiagency professional).

Hand-brain model: Dr Dan Siegel

The hand model of the brain allows the child or young person to picture their brain structure and understand why it can be difficult to control their reactions when they become overwhelmed with strong emotions, especially stress. The hand model of the brain helps children and young people to imagine what is happening inside their brain when they experience strong and/or challenging emotions and identify how they can manage these more effectively. Supporting children to understand this metaphor of the brain can be useful in normalising their emotions and having a greater understanding about what may be happening, and why, when they experience heightened levels of stress and/or anxiety.

Thoughts, feelings and what we do

Our thoughts feelings and behaviours are connected and influence one another. When we have particular thoughts, we may feel and act in certain ways. These patterns of thinking, feeling and doing can become ingrained and cyclic; bringing awareness to these and being able to accept and observe thoughts and emotions rather than becoming 'fused' with these can help to develop an increasingly mindful awareness of ourselves.

Acceptance and Commitment approaches, including mindfulness techniques, can support children and young people to develop their awareness and be able to observe rather than become 'fused' to thoughts and difficult emotions present. Cognitive Behavioural approaches can also be useful to support understanding of the connections between thoughts, feelings and behaviours.